Part 3 Chapter 25
MASLOVA'S DECISION.
The dismal prison house, with its sentinel and lamp burning under the gateway, produced an even more dismal impression, with its long row of lighted windows, than it had done in the morning, in spite of the white covering that now lay over everything--the porch, the roof and the walls.
The imposing inspector came up to the gate and read the pass that had been given to Nekhludoff and the Englishman by the light of the lamp, shrugged his fine shoulders in surprise, but, in obedience to the order, asked the visitors to follow him in. He led them through the courtyard and then in at a door to the right and up a staircase into the office. He offered them a seat and asked what he could do for them, and when he heard that Nekhludoff would like to see Maslova at once, he sent a jailer to fetch her. Then he prepared himself to answer the questions which the Englishman began to put to him, Nekhludoff acting as interpreter.
"How many persons is the prison built to hold?" the Englishman asked. "How many are confined in it? How many men? How many women? Children? How many sentenced to the mines? How many exiles? How many sick persons?"
Nekhludoff translated the Englishman's and the inspector's words without paying any attention to their meaning, and felt an awkwardness he had not in the least expected at the thought of the impending interview. When, in the midst of a sentence he was translating for the Englishman, he heard the sound of approaching footsteps, and the office door opened, and, as had happened many times before, a jailer came in, followed by Katusha, and he saw her with a kerchief tied round her head, and in a prison jacket a heavy sensation came over him. "I wish to live, I want a family, children, I want a human life." These thoughts flashed through his mind as she entered the room with rapid steps and blinking her eyes.
He rose and made a few steps to meet her, and her face appeared hard and unpleasant to him. It was again as it had been at the time when she reproached him. She flushed and turned pale, her fingers nervously twisting a corner of her jacket. She looked up at him, then cast down her eyes.
"You know that a mitigation has come?"
"Yes, the jailer told me."
"So that as soon as the original document arrives you may come away and settle where you like. We shall consider--"
She interrupted him hurriedly. "What have I to consider? Where Valdemar Simonson goes, there I shall follow." In spite of the excitement she was in she raised her eyes to Nekhludoff's and pronounced these words quickly and distinctly, as if she had prepared what she had to say.
"Indeed!"
"Well, Dmitri Ivanovitch, you see he wishes me to live with him--" and she stopped, quite frightened, and corrected herself. "He wishes me to be near him. What more can I desire? I must look upon it as happiness. What else is there for me--"
"One of two things," thought he. "Either she loves Simonson and does not in the least require the sacrifice I imagined I was bringing her, or she still loves me and refuses me for my own sake, and is burning her ships by uniting her fate with Simonson." And Nekhludoff felt ashamed and knew that he was blushing.
"And you yourself, do you love him?" he asked.
"Loving or not loving, what does it matter? I have given up all that. And then Valdemar Simonson is quite an exceptional man."
"Yes, of course," Nekhludoff began. "He is a splendid man, and I think--"
But she again interrupted him, as if afraid that he might say too much or that she should not say all. "No, Dmitri Ivanovitch, you must forgive me if I am not doing what you wish," and she looked at him with those unfathomable, squinting eyes of hers. "Yes, it evidently must be so. You must live, too."
She said just what he had been telling himself a few moments before, but he no longer thought so now and felt very differently. He was not only ashamed, but felt sorry to lose all he was losing with her. "I did not expect this," he said.
"Why should you live here and suffer? You have suffered enough."
"I have not suffered. It was good for me, and I should like to go on serving you if I could."
"We do not want anything," she said, and looked at him.
"You have done so much for me as it is. If it had not been for you--" She wished to say more, but her voice trembled.
"You certainly have no reason to thank me," Nekhludoff said.
"Where is the use of our reckoning? God will make up our accounts," she said, and her black eyes began to glisten with the tears that filled them.
"What a good woman you are," he said.
"I good?" she said through her tears, and a pathetic smile lit up her face.
"Are you ready?" the Englishman asked.
"Directly," replied Nekhludoff and asked her about Kryltzoff.
She got over her emotion and quietly told him all she knew. Kryltzoff was very weak and had been sent into the infirmary. Mary Pavlovna was very anxious, and had asked to be allowed to go to the infirmary as a nurse, but could not get the permission.
"Am I to go?" she asked, noticing that the Englishman was waiting.
"I will not say good-bye; I shall see you again," said Nekhludoff, holding out his hand.
"Forgive me," she said so low that he could hardly hear her. Their eyes met, and Nekhludoff knew by the strange look of her squinting eyes and the pathetic smile with which she said not "Good-bye" but "Forgive me," that of the two reasons that might have led to her resolution, the second was the real one. She loved him, and thought that by uniting herself to him she would be spoiling his life. By going with Simonson she thought she would be setting Nekhludoff free, and felt glad that she had done what she meant to do, and yet she suffered at parting from him.
She pressed his hand, turned quickly and left the room.
Nekhludoff was ready to go, but saw that the Englishman was noting something down, and did not disturb him, but sat down on a wooden seat by the wall, and suddenly a feeling of terrible weariness came over him. It was not a sleepless night that had tired him, not the journey, not the excitement, but he felt terribly tired of living. He leaned against the back of the bench, shut his eyes and in a moment fell into a deep, heavy sleep.
"Well, would you like to look round the cells now?" the inspector asked.
Nekhludoff looked up and was surprised to find himself where he was. The Englishman had finished his notes and expressed a wish to see the cells.
Nekhludoff, tired and indifferent, followed him.
一陰一森森的监狱，门前站着岗哨，门口点着风灯，尽管蒙着一层洁白的雪幕，使大门、屋顶和墙壁都显出一片雪白，尽管监狱正面一排排窗子灯火通明，它给聂赫留朵夫的印象却比早晨更加一陰一森。
威风凛凛的典狱长走到大门口，凑近门灯，看了看聂赫留朵夫和英国人的通行证，困惑不解地耸耸强壮的肩膀，但还是执行命令，邀请这两位来访者跟他进去。他先领他们走进院子，然后走进右边的门，沿着楼梯走上办公室。他请他们坐下，问他们有什么事要他效劳。他听说聂赫留朵夫要跟玛丝洛娃见面，就派看守去把她找来，自己则准备回答英国人通过聂赫留朵夫的翻译向他提出的问题。
“这座监狱照规定可以容纳多少人？”英国人问。“现在关着多少人？有多少男人，多少女人，多少儿童？有多少苦役犯，多少流放犯，多少自愿跟着来的？有多少害病的？”
聂赫留朵夫嘴里给英国人和典狱长作着翻译，脑子里并没思考他们话里的意思。他想到即将同卡秋莎见面，不禁有点紧张。他给英国人翻译到一半，听见越来越近的脚步声，办公室的门开了，象以往历次探监那样，先是一个看守走进来，接着是身穿囚服、头包头巾的卡秋莎。他一见卡秋莎，立刻感到心情沉重。
“我要生活，我要家庭、孩子，我要过人的生活，”当卡秋莎没有抬起眼睛，快步走进房间里时，聂赫留朵夫头脑里掠过这样的念头。
他站起来，迎着她走了几步。他觉得她的脸色严肃而痛苦，就象上次她责备他时那样。她脸上一阵红，一阵白，她的手指痉一挛地卷着衣服的边。她一会儿对他望望，一会儿垂下眼睛。
“知道了，看守告诉我了。”
“这样，只要等公文一到，您高兴住哪里去就可以住哪里去了。让我们来考虑一下……”
她赶紧打断他的话：
“我有什么可考虑的？西蒙松到哪里，我就跟他到哪里。”
她尽管十分激动，却抬起眼睛来瞧着聂赫留朵夫，这两句话说得又快又清楚，仿佛事先准备好似的。
“嗯，德米特里·伊凡内奇，倘若他要跟我一块儿生活，”她发觉说溜了嘴，连忙住口，然后纠正自己的话说，“倘若他要我待在他身边，我还能有什么更好的指望呢？我应该认为这是我的福气。我还图个什么呢？……”
“也许她真的一爱一上西蒙松，根本不要我为她作什么牺牲；也许她仍旧一爱一我，拒绝我是为了我好，不惜破釜沉舟，把自己的命运同西蒙松结合在一起。二者必居其一，”聂赫留朵夫想，不禁感到害臊。他觉得自己脸红了。
“要是您一爱一他……”他说。
“什么一爱一不一爱一的！那一套我早已丢掉了。不过，西蒙松这人确实和别人不同。”
“是啊，那当然，”聂赫留朵夫又说。“他是个非常出色的人，我想……”
她又打断他的话，仿佛生怕他说出什么不得体的话，或者生怕她来不及把要说的话都说出来。
“嗯，德米特里·伊凡内奇，要是我做的不合您的心意，那您就原谅我吧，”她用她那斜睨的目光神秘地瞧着他的眼睛，说。“嗯，看来只好这样办了。您自己也得生活呀。”
她说的正好是他刚才所想的，但此刻他已不这样想，他的思想和感情已完全变了。他不仅感到害臊，而且感到惋惜，惋惜他从此失去了她。
“我真没料到会这样，”他说。
“您何必再待在这儿受罪呢？您受罪也受得够了，”她说，怪样地微微一笑。
“我并没有受罪，我过得挺好。要是可能的话，我还愿意为您出力呢。”
“我们，”她说“我们”两个字时对聂赫留朵夫瞅了一眼，“我们什么也不需要。您为我出的力已经够多了。要不是您……”她想说些什么，可是声音发一抖了。
“何必算帐呢？我们的帐上帝会算的，”她说，那双乌黑的眼睛泪光闪闪。
“您是个多好的女人哪！”他说。
“我好？”她含一着眼泪说，凄苦的微笑使她容光焕发。
“您好了吗？”①这时英国人问。
“马上就好，”②聂赫留朵夫回答。接着他向卡秋莎打听克雷里卓夫的情况。
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①②原文是英语。
她强自镇定下来，平静地把她所知道的情况告诉他：克雷里卓夫路上身一体很虚弱，一到这里就被送进医院。谢基尼娜很不放心，要求到医院去照顾他，可是没有获得准许。
“请您原谅，”她说，声音低得几乎听不见。他们的目光相遇了。从她古怪的斜睨的眼神里，从她说“请您原谅”而不说“那么我们分手了”时伤感的微笑中，聂赫留朵夫明白，她作出决定的原因是后一种。她一爱一他，认为自己同他结合，就会毁掉他的一生，而她跟西蒙松一起走开，就可以使他恢复自一由。现在她由于实现了自己的愿望而感到高兴，同时又由于要跟他分手而觉得惆怅。
她握了握他的手，慌忙转身走出办公室。
聂赫留朵夫回头瞅了一眼英国人，准备跟他一起走，可是英国人正在笔记本里记着什么。聂赫留朵夫不去打断他，在靠墙的木榻上坐下来，忽然感到无比疲劳。他所以疲劳，不是由于夜里失眠，不是由于旅途辛苦，也不是由于心情激动，而是由于他对整个生活感到厌倦。他靠着木榻的背，闭上眼睛，顿时沉沉睡去，象死人一般。
“怎么样，现在去看看牢房好吗？”典狱长问道。
聂赫留朵夫醒过来，看到自己竟在这里睡着了，不禁感到惊讶。英国人已写完笔记，很想参观牢房。聂赫留朵夫就疲劳而茫然地跟着他走去。
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