Chapter 38
IF that staid old house near the Green at Richmond should ever come to be haunted when I am dead, it will be haunted, surely, by my ghost. O the many, many nights and days through which the unquiet spirit within me haunted that house when Estella lived there! Let my body be where it would, my spirit was always wandering, wandering, wandering, about that house.
The lady with whom Estella was placed, Mrs Brandley by name, was a widow, with one daughter several years older than Estella. The mother looked young, and the daughter looked old; the mother's complexion was pink, and the daughter's was yellow; the mother set up for frivolity, and the daughter for theology. They were in what is called a good position, and visited, and were visited by, numbers of people. Little, if any, community of feeling subsisted between them and Estella, but the understanding was established that they were necessary to her, and that she was necessary to them. Mrs Brandley had been a friend of Miss Havisham's before the time of her seclusion.
In Mrs Brandley's house and out of Mrs Brandley's house, I suffered every kind and degree of torture that Estella could cause me. The nature of my relations with her, which placed me on terms of familiarity without placing me on terms of favour, conduced to my distraction. She made use of me to tease other admirers, and she turned the very familiarity between herself and me, to the account of putting a constant slight on my devotion to her. If I had been her secretary, steward, half-brother, poor relation - if I had been a younger brother of her appointed husband - I could not have seemed to myself, further from my hopes when I was nearest to her. The privilege of calling her by her name and hearing her call me by mine, became under the circumstances an aggravation of my trials; and while I think it likely that it almost maddened her other lovers, I know too certainly that it almost maddened me.
She had admirers without end. No doubt my jealousy made an admirer of every one who went near her; but there were more than enough of them without that.
I saw her often at Richmond, I heard of her often in town, and I used often to take her and the Brandleys on the water; there were pic-nics, fête days, plays, operas, concerts, parties, all sorts of pleasures, through which I pursued her - and they were all miseries to me. I never had one hour's happiness in her society, and yet my mind all round the four-and-twenty hours was harping on the happiness of having her with me unto death.
Throughout this part of our intercourse - and it lasted, as will presently be seen, for what I then thought a long time - she habitually reverted to that tone which expressed that our association was forced upon us. There were other times when she would come to a sudden check in this tone and in all her many tones, and would seem to pity me.
`Pip, Pip,' she said one evening, coming to such a check, when we sat apart at a darkening window of the house in Richmond; `will you never take warning?'
`Of what?'
`Of me.'
`Warning not to be attracted by you, do you mean, Estella?'
`Do I mean! If you don't know what I mean, you are blind.'
I should have replied that Love was commonly reputed blind, but for the reason that I always was restrained - and this was not the least of my miseries - by a feeling that it was ungenerous to press myself upon her, when she knew that she could not choose but obey Miss Havisham. My dread always was, that this knowledge on her part laid me under a heavy disadvantage with her pride, and made me the subject of a rebellious struggle in her bosom.
`At any rate,' said I, `I have no warning given me just now, for you wrote to me to come to you, this time.'
`That's true,' said Estella, with a cold careless smile that always chilled me.
After looking at the twilight without, for a little while, she went on to say:
`The time has come round when Miss Havisham wishes to have me for a day at Satis. You are to take me there, and bring me back, if you will. She would rather I did not travel alone, and objects to receiving my maid, for she has a sensitive horror of being talked of by such people. Can you take me?'
`Can I take you, Estella!'
`You can then? The day after to-morrow, if you please. You are to pay all charges out of my purse, You hear the condition of your going?'
`And must obey,' said I.
This was all the preparation I received for that visit, or for others like it: Miss Havisham never wrote to me, nor had I ever so much as seen her handwriting. We went down on the next day but one, and we found her in the room where I had first beheld her, and it is needless to add that there was no change in Satis House.
She was even more dreadfully fond of Estella than she had been when I last saw them together; I repeat the word advisedly, for there was something positively dreadful in the energy of her looks and embraces. She hung upon Estella's beauty, hung upon her words, hung upon her gestures, and sat mumbling her own trembling fingers while she looked at her, as though she were devouring the beautiful creature she had reared.
From Estella she looked at me, with a searching glance that seemed to pry into my heart and probe its wounds. `How does she use you, Pip; how does she use you?' she asked me again, with her witch-like eagerness, even in Estella's hearing. But, when we sat by her flickering fire at night, she was most weird; for then, keeping Estella's hand drawn through her arm and clutched in her own hand, she extorted from her, by dint of referring back to what Estella had told her in her regular letters, the names and conditions of the men whom she had fascinated; and as Miss Havisham dwelt upon his roll, with the intensity of a mind mortally hurt and diseased, she sat with her other hand on her crutch stick, and her chin on that, and her wan bright eyes glaring at me, a very spectre.
I saw in this, wretched though it made me, and bitter the sense of dependence and even of degradation that it awakened - I saw in this, that Estella was set to wreak Miss Havisham's revenge on men, and that she was not to be given to me until she had gratified it for a term. I saw in this, a reason for her being beforehand assigned to me. Sending her out to attract and torment and do mischief, Miss Havisham sent her with the malicious assurance that she was beyond the reach of all admirers, and that all who staked upon that cast were secured to lose. I saw in this, that I, too, was tormented by a perversion of ingenuity, even while the prize was reserved for me. I saw in this, the reason for my being staved off so long, and the reason for my late guardian's declining to commit himself to the formal knowledge of such a scheme. In a word, I saw in this, Miss Havisham as I had her then and there before my eyes, and always had had her before my eyes; and I saw in this, the distinct shadow of the darkened and unhealthy house in which her life was hidden from the sun.
The candles that lighted that room of hers were placed in sconces on the wall. They were high from the ground, and they burnt with the steady dulness of artificial light in air that is seldom renewed. As I looked round at them, and at the pale gloom they made, and at the stopped clock, and at the withered articles of bridal dress upon the table and the ground, and at her own awful figure with its ghostly reflection thrown large by the fire upon the ceiling and the wall, I saw in everything the construction that my mind had come to, repeated and thrown back to me. My thoughts passed into the great room across the landing where the table was spread, and I saw it written, as it were, in the falls of the cobwebs from the centre-piece, in the crawlings of the spiders on the cloth, in the tracks of the mice as they betook their little quickened hearts behind the panels, and in the gropings and pausings of the beetles on the floor.
It happened on the occasion of this visit that some sharp words arose between Estella and Miss Havisham. It was the first time I had ever seen them opposed.
We were seated by the fire, as just now described, and Miss Havisham still had Estella's arm drawn through her own, and still clutched Estella's hand in hers, when Estella gradually began to detach herself. She had shown a proud impatience more than once before, and had rather endured that fierce affection than accepted or returned it.
`What!' said Miss Havisham, flashing her eyes upon her, `are you tired of me?'
`Only a little tired of myself,' replied Estella, disengaging her arm, and moving to the great chimney-piece, where she stood looking down at the fire.
`Speak the truth, you ingrate!' cried Miss Havisham, passionately striking her stick upon the floor; `you are tired of me.'
Estella looked at her with perfect composure, and again looked down at the fire. Her graceful figure and her beautiful face expressed a self-possessed indifference to the wild heat of the other, that was almost cruel.
`You stock and stone!' exclaimed Miss Havisham. `You cold, cold heart!'
`What?' said Estella, preserving her attitude of indifference as she leaned against the great chimney-piece and only moving her eyes; `do you reproach me for being cold? You?'
`Are you not?' was the fierce retort.
`You should know,' said Estella. `I am what you have made me. Take all the praise, take all the blame; take all the success, take all the failure; in short, take me.'
`O, look at her, look at her!' cried Miss Havisham, bitterly; `Look at her, so hard and thankless, on the hearth where she was reared! Where I took her into this wretched breast when it was first bleeding from its stabs, and where I have lavished years of tenderness upon her!'
`At least I was no party to the compact,' said Estella, `for if I could walk and speak, when it was made, it was as much as I could do. But what would you have? You have been very good to me, and I owe everything to you. What would you have?'
`Love,' replied the other.
`You have it.'
`I have not,' said Miss Havisham.
`Mother by adoption,' retorted Estella, never departing from the easy grace of her attitude, never raising her voice as the other did, never yielding either to anger or tenderness, `Mother by adoption, I have said that I owe everything to you. All I possess is freely yours. All that you have given me, is at your command to have again. Beyond that, I have nothing. And if you ask me to give you what you never gave me, my gratitude and duty cannot do impossibilities.'
`Did I never give her love!' cried Miss Havisham, turning wildly to me. `Did I never give her a burning love, inseparable from jealousy at all times, and from sharp pain, while she speaks thus to me! Let her call me mad, let her call me mad!'
`Why should I call you mad,' returned Estella, `I, of all people? Does any one live, who knows what set purposes you have, half as well as I do? Does any one live, who knows what a steady memory you have, half as well as I do? I who have sat on this same hearth on the little stool that is even now beside you there, learning your lessons and looking up into your face, when your face was strange and frightened me!'
`Soon forgotten!' moaned Miss Havisham. `Times soon forgotten!'
`No, not forgotten,' retorted Estella. `Not forgotten, but treasured up in my memory. When have you found me false to your teaching? When have you found me unmindful of your lessons? When have you found me giving admission here,' she touched her bosom with her hand, `to anything that you excluded? Be just to me.'
`So proud, so proud!' moaned Miss Havisham, pushing away her grey hair with both her hands.
`Who taught me to be proud?' returned Estella. `Who praised me when I learnt my lesson?'
`So hard, so hard!' moaned Miss Havisham, with her former action.
`Who taught me to be hard?' returned Estella. `Who praised me when I learnt my lesson?'
`But to be proud and hard to me!' Miss Havisham quite shrieked, as she stretched out her arms. `Estella, Estella, Estella, to be proud and hard to me!'
Estella looked at her for a moment with a kind of calm wonder, but was not otherwise disturbed; when the moment was past, she looked down at the fire again.
`I cannot think,' said Estella, raising her eyes after a silence `why you should be so unreasonable when I come to see you after a separation. I have never forgotten your wrongs and their causes. I have never been unfaithful to you or your schooling. I have never shown any weakness that I can charge myself with.'
`Would it be weakness to return my love?' exclaimed Miss Havisham. `But yes, yes, she would call it so!'
`I begin to think,' said Estella, in a musing way, after another moment of calm wonder, `that I almost understand how this comes about. If you had brought up your adopted daughter wholly in the dark confinement of these rooms, and had never let her know that there was such a thing as the daylight by which she has never once seen your face - if you had done that, and then, for a purpose had wanted her to understand the daylight and know all about it, you would have been disappointed and angry?'
Miss Havisham, with her head in her hands, sat making a low moaning, and swaying herself on her chair, but gave no answer.
`Or,' said Estella, ` - which is a nearer case - if you had taught her, from the dawn of her intelligence, with your utmost energy and might, that there was such a thing as daylight, but that it was made to be her enemy and destroyer, and she must always turn against it, for it had blighted you and would else blight her; - if you had done this, and then, for a purpose, had wanted her to take naturally to the daylight and she could not do it, you would have been disappointed and angry?'
Miss Havisham sat listening (or it seemed so, for I could not see her face), but still made no answer.
`So,' said Estella, `I must be taken as I have been made. The success is not mine, the failure is not mine, but the two together make me.'
Miss Havisham had settled down, I hardly knew how, upon the floor, among the faded bridal relics with which it was strewn. I took advantage of the moment - I had sought one from the first - to leave the room, after beseeching Estella's attention to her, with a movement of my hand. When I left, Estella was yet standing by the great chimney-piece, just as she had stood throughout. Miss Havisham's grey hair was all adrift upon the ground, among the other bridal wrecks, and was a miserable sight to see.
It was with a depressed heart that I walked in the starlight for an hour and more, about the court-yard, and about the brewery, and about the ruined garden. When I at last took courage to return to the room, I found Estella sitting at Miss Havisham's knee, taking up some stitches in one of those old articles of dress that were dropping to pieces, and of which I have often been reminded since by the faded tatters of old banners that I have seen hanging up in cathedrals. Afterwards, Estella and I played at cards, as of yore - only we were skilful now, and played French games - and so the evening wore away, and I went to bed.
I lay in that separate building across the court-yard. It was the first time I had ever lain down to rest in Satis House, and sleep refused to come near me. A thousand Miss Havishams haunted me. She was on this side of my pillow, on that, at the head of the bed, at the foot, behind the half-opened door of the dressing-room, in the dressing-room, in the room overhead, in the room beneath - everywhere. At last, when the night was slow to creep on towards two o'clock, I felt that I absolutely could no longer bear the place as a place to lie down in, and that I must get up. I therefore got up and put on my clothes, and went out across the yard into the long stone passage, designing to gain the outer court-yard and walk there for the relief of my mind. But, I was no sooner in the passage than I extinguished my candle; for, I saw Miss Havisham going along it in a ghostly manner, making a low cry. I followed her at a distance, and saw her go up the staircase. She carried a bare candle in her hand, which she had probably taken from one of the sconces in her own room, and was a most unearthly object by its light. Standing at the bottom of the staircase, I felt the mildewed air of the feast-chamber, without seeing her open the door, and I heard her walking there, and so across into her own room, and so across again into that, never ceasing the low cry. After a time, I tried in the dark both to get out, and to go back, but I could do neither until some streaks of day strayed in and showed me where to lay my hands. During the whole interval, whenever I went to the bottom of the staircase, I heard her footstep, saw her light pass above, and heard her ceaseless low cry.
Before we left next day, there was no revival of the difference between her and Estella, nor was it ever revived on any similar occasion; and there were four similar occasions, to the best of my remembrance. Nor, did Miss Havisham's manner towards Estella in anywise change, except that I believed it to have something like fear infused among its former characteristics.
It is impossible to turn this leaf of my life, without putting Bentley Drummle's name upon it; or I would, very gladly.
On a certain occasion when the Finches were assembled in force, and when good feeling was being promoted in the usual manner by nobody's agreeing with anybody else, the presiding Finch called the Grove to order, forasmuch as Mr Drummle had not yet toasted a lady; which, according to the solemn constitution of the society, it was the brute's turn to do that day. I thought I saw him leer in an ugly way at me while the decanters were going round, but as there was no love lost between us, that might easily be. What was my indignant surprise when he called upon the company to pledge him to `Estella!'
`Estella who?' said I.
`Never you mind,' retorted Drummle.
`Estella of where?' said I. `You are bound to say of where.' Which he was, as a Finch.
`Of Richmond, gentlemen,' said Drummle, putting me out of the question, `and a peerless beauty.'
Much he knew about peerless beauties, a mean miserable idiot!I whispered Herbert.
`I know that lady,' said Herbert, across the table, when the toast had been honoured.
`Do you?' said Drummle.
`And so do I,' I added, with a scarlet face.
`Do you?' said Drummle. `Oh, Lord!'
This was the only retort - except glass or crockery - that the heavy creature was capable of making; but, I became as highly incensed by it as if it had been barbed with wit, and I immediately rose in my place and said that I could not but regard it as being like the honourable Finch's impudence to come down to that Grove - we always talked about coming down to that Grove, as a neat Parliamentary turn of expression - down to that Grove, proposing a lady of whom he knew nothing. Mr Drummle upon this, starting up, demanded what I meant by that? Whereupon, I made him the extreme reply that I believed he knew where I was to be found.
Whether it was possible in a Christian country to get on without blood, after this, was a question on which the Finches were divided. The debate upon it grew so lively, indeed, that at least six more honourable members told six more, during the discussion, that they believed they knew where they were to be found. However, it was decided at last (the Grove being a Court of Honour) that if Mr Drummle would bring never so slight a certificate from the lady, importing that he had the honour of her acquaintance, Mr Pip must express his regret, as a gentleman and a Finch, for `having been betrayed into a warmth which.' Next day was appointed for the production (lest our honour should take cold from delay), and next day Drummle appeared with a polite little avowal in Estella's hand, that she had had the honour of dancing with him several times. This left me no course but to regret that I had been `betrayed into a warmth which,' and on the whole to repudiate, as untenable, the idea that I was to be found anywhere. Drummle and I then sat snorting at one another for an hour, while the Grove engaged in indiscriminate contradiction, and finally the promotion of good feeling was declared to have gone ahead at an amazing rate.
I tell this lightly, but it was no light thing to me. For, I cannot adequately express what pain it gave me to think that Estella should show any favour to a contemptible, clumsy, sulky booby, so very far below the average. To the present moment, I believe it to have been referable to some pure fire of generosity and disinterestedness in my love for her, that I could not endure the thought of her stooping to that hound. No doubt I should have been miserable whomsoever she had favoured; but a worthier object would have caused me a different kind and degrees of distress.
It was easy for me to find out, and I did soon find out, that Drummle had begun to follow her closely, and that she allowed him to do it. A little while, and he was always in pursuit of her, and he and I crossed one another every day. He held on, in a dull persistent way, and Estella held him on; now with encouragement, now with discouragement, now almost flattering him, now openly despising him, now knowing him very well, now scarcely remembering who he was.
The Spider, as Mr Jaggers had called him, was used to lying in wait, however, and had the patience of his tribe. Added to that, he had a blockhead confidence in his money and in his family greatness, which sometimes did him good service - almost taking the place of concentration and determined purpose. So, the Spider, doggedly watching Estella, outwatched many brighter insects, and would often uncoil himself and drop at the right nick of time.
At a certain Assembly Ball at Richmond (there used to be Assembly Balls at most places then), where Estella had outshone all other beauties, this blundering Drummle so hung about her, and with so much toleration on her part, that I resolved to speak to her concerning him. I took the next opportunity: which was when she was waiting for Mrs Brandley to take her home, and was sitting apart among some flowers, ready to go. I was with her, for I almost always accompanied them to and from such places.
`Are you tired, Estella?'
`Rather, Pip.'
`You should be.'
`Say rather, I should not be; for I have my letter to Satis House to write, before I go to sleep.'
`Recounting to-night's triumph?' said I. `Surely a very poor one, Estella.'
`What do you mean? I didn't know there had been any.'
`Estella,' said I, `do look at that fellow in the corner yonder, who is looking over here at us.'
`Why should I look at him?' returned Estella, with her eyes on me instead. `What is there in that fellow in the corner yonder - to use your words - that I need look at?'
`Indeed, that is the very question I want to ask you,' said I. `For he has been hovering about you all night.'
`Moths, and all sorts of ugly creatures,' replied Estella, with a glance towards him, `hover about a lighted candle. Can the candle help it?'
`No,' I returned; `but cannot the Estella help it?'
`Well!' said she, laughing, after a moment, `perhaps. Yes. Anything you like.'
`But, Estella, do hear me speak. It makes me wretched that you should encourage a man so generally despised as Drummle. You know he is despised.'
`Well?' said she.
`You know he is as ungainly within, as without. A deficient, illtempered, lowering, stupid fellow.'
`Well?' said she.
`You know he has nothing to recommend him but money, and a ridiculous roll of addle-headed predecessors; now, don't you?'
`Well?' said she again; and each time she said it, she opened her lovely eyes the wider.
To overcome the difficulty of getting past that monosyllable, I took it from her, and said, repeating it with emphasis, `Well!Then, that is why it makes me wretched.'
Now, if I could have believed that she favoured Drummle with any idea of making me - me - wretched, I should have been in better heart about it; but in that habitual way of hers, she put me so entirely out of the question, that I could believe nothing of the kind.
`Pip,' said Estella, casting her glance over the room, `don't be foolish about its effect on you. It may have its effect on others, and may be meant to have. It's not worth discussing.'
`Yes it is,' said I, `because I cannot bear that people should say, "she throws away her graces and attractions on a mere boor, the lowest in the crowd."'
`I can bear it,' said Estella.
`Oh! don't be so proud, Estella, and so inflexible.'
`Calls me proud and inflexible in this breath!' said Estella, opening her hands. `And in his last breath reproached me for stooping to a boor!'
`There is no doubt you do,' said I, something hurriedly, `for I have seen you give him looks and smiles this very night, such as you never give to - me.'
`Do you want me then,' said Estella, turning suddenly with a fixed and serious, if not angry, look, `to deceive and entrap you?'
`Do you deceive and entrap him, Estella?'
`Yes, and many others - all of them but you. Here is Mrs Brandley. I'll say no more.'
And now that I have given the one chapter to the theme that so filled my heart, and so often made it ache and ache again, I pass on, unhindered, to the event that had impended over me longer yet; the event that had begun to be prepared for, before I knew that the world held Estella, and in the days when her baby intelligence was receiving its first distortions from Miss Havisham's wasting hands.
In the Eastern story, the heavy slab that was to fall on the bed of state in the flush of conquest was slowly wrought out of the quarry, the tunnel for the rope to hold it in its place was slowly carried through the leagues of rock, the slab was slowly raised and fitted in the roof, the rope was rove to it and slowly taken through the miles of hollow to the great iron ring. All being made ready with much labour, and the hour come, the sultan was aroused in the dead of the night, and the sharpened axe that was to sever the rope from the great iron ring was put into his hand, and he struck with it, and the rope parted and rushed away, and the ceiling fell. So, in my case; all the work, near and afar, that tended to the end, had been accomplished; and in an instant the blow was struck, and the roof of my stronghold dropped upon me.
在我离世以后，如果雷溪梦草地附近的那座沉静而又古老的宅邸中经常有鬼魂萦绕出没，那一定就是我的鬼魂了。哦，埃斯苔娜住在那里的时候，有多少日日夜夜，我那躯体内无法平静的灵魂出没于那所古宅啊！我的躯体虽在原地，而我的灵魂却永远围着那所古宅漂泊着、徘徊着，徘徊着、漂泊着。
埃斯苔娜所寄居的那所宅邸里的主妇白朗德莉夫人是一位寡妇，有一个女儿，比埃斯苔娜大几岁。母亲看上去十分年轻，女儿看上去却显得苍老；母亲的面色是白中透红，而女儿的面色却是一片苍白泛黄；母亲轻挑得如红粉佳人，女儿则刻板得似皈依教门。这一家据说社会地位很高，南来北往的宾客纷至沓来，她们也常外出访友。她们和埃斯苔娜之间的情感交往十分淡薄，但她们彼此都心中明白，她们不能没有埃斯苔娜，而埃斯苔娜也不能没有她们。白朗德莉夫人在过她的古屋隐居生活之前，是郝维仙小姐的一位密友。
我进出于白朗德莉夫人的家门，和埃斯苔娜相见，却得忍受着她给我的各式各样、程度不同的折磨。我和她之间的关系表面上十分熟悉、十分亲热，而实际上没有一丝产生爱的痕迹，弄得我神魂颠倒、心烦意乱。我无非成了她的玩物，被当作戏弄那些追求她的男人们的工具，我们之间的亲密无间在她手中却变成了对我真情的蔑视。如果我是她的秘书，是她的管家，是她同父异母或同母异父的兄弟，是她的穷亲戚，或者是她未婚夫的兄弟，我也不可能像现在这样受她戏谑，受她折磨，而万分苦恼。越是和她亲密无间，我也越陷进了失望的深渊。我虽然有如此特权，可以对她直呼其名，她对我也不例外地直呼其名，然而越是处于如此环境，我的痛苦和煎熬越是加重了。我暗暗想，与其说这样使她其他的情人们发疯得心碎肠断，不如说我倒当真被弄得发疯而心碎肠断。
她的情人越来越多，没有个完。无疑，这也许是由于我的忌妒，只要看到有谁接近她，便认定是她的情人。当然，即使除掉这类人，她的爱慕者还是多得难以计数。
我时常到雷溪梦去看望她，时常在伦敦城里听到她的事，时常陪着她和白朗德莉夫人一家在水上荡舟，去野餐，去消度节日，去看戏，去听歌剧，去欣赏音乐会，去参加舞会，去一切可以娱乐的地方，结果我所能得到的却全是不幸，和她相处时，我从来没有一刻是幸福的。一天二十四小时，我无时无刻不在幻想着，如果我能和她生活到白头偕老该有多么幸福。
在我和埃斯苔娜交往的一段时期中（我总觉得这段时期一定很长，从下文中可见端倪），她习惯性地在语气中流露出一种情绪，即我们两人之间的交往不是出于内心，而是出于被逼。在其他一些时候，她的这种语气，以及所有各种语气会突然中断，似乎对我动了怜惜之情。
有一个晚上，暮色正苍茫降临，在雷溪梦古宅的商边，我们两人分开而坐。突然，她就那么突然停止了那种语气，说道：“皮普，皮普，你怎么总是不接受我的劝告呢？”
“什么劝告？”
“当心我。”
“你是不是说要我当心不要被你弄得神魂颠倒，埃斯苔娜，是这样吗？”
“是又怎么样！你要不懂得我的心意，你简直就是个睁眼瞎子。”
我本来想说，爱情都是盲目的，可是却把话停在了嘴边，因为我始终受一种情绪的制约，觉得她本已知道她的婚姻大事由不了自己，只得让郝维仙小姐摆布，而我再这样逼她是太不宽容了。这一点也给我造成了不小的不幸。我内心的担忧是她天生那么高傲，又知道一切情由，要是存心反抗，不仅对我深深不利，而且把我也变成了叛逆的理由。
“无论如何，”我说道，“现在我还没有接到对我的什么劝告，因为我到这里来是你写信让我来的。”
“你说的话倒是真的。”埃斯苔娜说道，脸上露出的毫不关心的冷笑总是使我的心像要结成冰一样。
她凝视着窗外的苍茫暮色，一会儿后继续说道：
“郝维仙小姐要我回沙提斯庄园看望她的日子又临近了。如果你愿意，你得陪我回去，再陪我回来。因为她不让我单身一人旅行，又反对我带女仆同行，因为她对这些人都十分反感，生怕她们窃窃私议。你能不能陪我去呢？”
“那么就答应陪我了？你看就定在后天，行吗？你从我钱袋中拿钱支付一切费用，这就是你陪我去的条件。你听懂了吗？”
“理当服从。”我答道。
这就是她要我陪她重返故里探望的一切准备，当然后来的几次探望也是如此。郝维仙小姐从来没有给我写过一封信，我甚至没有见到过她的手迹。第三天，我们到了沙提斯老屋，见到郝维仙小姐坐在当年的那间屋子中。反正无需多说，沙提斯庄园的一切全是老样子。
上一次我看到她们时，她就可怕地疼爱着埃斯苔娜，这次她对埃斯苔娜的爱更加可怕了。我故意地一再使用可怕这个字眼，因为在她的目光中，和拥抱埃斯苔娜的那种架势中，蓄含着一些可怕的现象。她对埃斯苔娜的美貌，对她的言辞谈吐，对她的形态手势，都像幽灵一样缠住不放。她看着埃斯苔娜时，就会用她那干瘪的嘴咬着自己颤抖的手指，心中盘算着怎样一口把这个亲自栽培的美人吞下去。
她把目光从埃斯苔娜身上移到我身上。这是搜寻的目光，一直透进我的心底，探察着我内心的伤口。她一再问我：“皮普，她怎样利用你的？她怎样利用你的？”她不顾埃斯苔娜正坐在旁边，用女巫式的紧张迫切口吻一再问着。晚上，我们坐在火光闪动的火炉边，她的样子令人怕得毛骨悚然。她把埃斯苔娜的手臂夹在自己的手臂下面，把她的手紧紧捏在自己的手中，然后便硬行要埃斯苔娜把她信中所提到过的那些事再如实说出来，诸如哪一个男人进了她的迷魂阵，他的身份地位如何等等。郝维仙小姐对这批被迷住的男人名单津津乐道，那种专心会神的样子只有受过严重创伤和失却灵魂的人才会有。她坐在那里，用另一只手撑住拐杖，而拐杖又被用来撑住她的下巴。她那一对病态的明亮眼睛盯住我望的神情，简直就像一个幽灵。
所有这一切都使我感到不幸与痛苦，还有个人的依附性所带来的失望，但从中却使我看清，埃斯苔娜作为郝维仙小姐用来报复男人的工具，如果郝维仙小姐没从中得到满足，是不会把埃斯苔娜嫁给我的。我也看出了她为什么要预先把埃斯苔娜许配给我。她把埃斯苔娜送出去勾引男人，折磨男人，对男人进行恶作剧，郝维仙小姐的居心在于如此一来，最终一个男人也得不到她，无论谁想在这上面押宝，便注定了他的失败。从这里我还看出，我自己又何尝没有受到折磨，尽管这个奖赏本属于我，但要得到它还得先经受一番险恶的考验。从中我也看出，我的事之所以好事多磨，是有原因的；我在成年前的监护人之所以不提此项计划的正式内容，也是有原因的。一句话，从中我已经看出此时此地我眼前的郝维仙小姐的为人，以及她一贯的为人。郝维仙小姐原来是一个永远逃避阳光、深居在一所幽暗病态的旧屋里的行尸走肉般的幽灵。
郝维仙小姐房中照明的蜡烛都放在墙壁上凸出的烛台上面，全都离地面很高，发出呆滞迟钝的光，房中的空气和外间隔绝，几乎很难更新。我四周看了看烛光那人为的苍白幽暗的光辉、那已经停摆的钟、那丢在桌上和地上的早已发黄变色的新婚服饰，还有她自己的那副可怕的身影被炉火投到天花板和墙壁上，不仅巨大可怖，而且如鬼魂一般。我从每一件事物上都可以证明在我心中出现过、重复过、思考过的推断。从这里我又想到楼梯平台对面的那间大屋，那里陈设着喜筵桌，从桌子中央饰物上一圈圈的蜘蛛网又想到在桌布上爬来爬去的蜘蛛们，以及在墙壁嵌板后面兴致勃勃地开展活动的老鼠们、在地板上摸来摸去爬爬停停的甲虫们。所有这些东西上都反映着我的推论。
这一次访问中，在埃斯苔娜和郝维仙小姐之间发生了语言上的尖锐冲突。这是我第一次看到她们两人之间的某种对立。
当时我们三人都坐在炉火边，这一点前文业已交待，郝维仙小姐依然用自己的胳膊夹住埃斯苔娜的手臂，依然把埃斯苔娜的手抓在自己的手中，而埃斯苔娜正慢慢地想抽出自己的手臂。她已经几次表现出一种高傲的不耐烦，对于这种热烈的情感与其说是愿意接受或是有所回应，不如说只是容忍而已。
“怎么！”郝维仙小姐说道，“难道你讨厌我不成？”眼光倏地射到她的身上。
“我只不过有些讨厌我自己。”埃斯苔娜一边回答，一边抽出自己的手臂，走到大壁炉跟前，站在那儿看着炉火。
“说老实话，你这个忘恩负义的东西！”郝维仙小姐气得大声喊道，恼怒地用手杖狠命地敲着地板，“你连我也讨厌起来了。”
埃斯苔娜沉着冷静地看了看对方，然后又低头看着炉火。她的优美身姿和俏丽面庞所表现出来的沉着冷漠，和对方那种狂乱的暴躁及几乎接近残酷的行为形成明显的对照。
“你是木头是铁石！”郝维仙小姐大喊道，“你的心是冷酷的，是冷酷的！”
埃斯苔娜依偎在大壁炉架上，保持着一副无动于衷的神态，只是转动了一下她的眼珠，说道：“什么？你骂我是冷酷的？你是这样骂我的吗？”
“难道你不冷酷吗？”郝维仙小姐火冒冒地反问着。
“反正你清楚，”埃斯苔娜说道，“我是你塑造成的。你可以赞美我，可以责备我，可以使我成功，也可以使我失败。总之，你要我怎样我就怎样。”
“唷，看你这样子，看你这样子！”郝维仙小姐伤心地大叫着，“看你这个样子，心肠既狠，又无情义，完全把养育你的家忘掉了！那时候，我正心碎不已、鲜血淋漓，而我却把你抱在我这伤痛的怀里，对你无限柔情，把你养育成人，从不吝惜金钱，你知道吗？”
“你把我领来养育，至少和我并无关系，”埃斯苔娜说道，“即使当时我能说能走，也不过仅仅如此，其他什么也不懂。你要我什么呢？你一直待我很好，我的一切都得感谢你，你还要我什么呢？”
“我要的是爱。”另一位答道。
“我已经给了你爱。”
“我还没有得到你的爱。”郝维仙小姐说道。
“养母，”埃斯苔娜仍旧保持着怡然自得的态度，不像对方那般提高了嗓门，也没有忽而怒气冲天，忽而万般柔情，只是说道，“养母，我已经说过，我的一切都得感谢你，我所有的一切都是你的。凡是你给我的，你随时都可以取回。除此以外，我一无所有。假使你向我索取你从未给过我的东西，尽管我很想感恩，很想尽义务，但那是根本不可能的。”
这时郝维仙小姐把狂乱的目光转向我，指着埃斯苔娜大声嚷道：“难道我没有给过她爱？难道我没有给过火焰一般的爱？我无时无刻不爱她爱到嫉妒不已、心头发痛，而她竟然说这种话！就让她叫我疯子吧，就让她叫我疯子吧！”
“世界上那么多人，怎么会是我要把你叫做疯子呢？”埃斯苔娜反问道，“世界上还有谁比我更了解你的为人和处世呢？世界上还有谁比我更了解你那一成不变的记忆呢？记得那时候，我就坐在这同一个壁炉边，坐在这张现在还在你旁边的小凳上，倾听着你的教导，仰视着你的面容，那时我还感到你的面容古怪，觉得害怕呢！”
“早就忘得干干净净了！”郝维仙小姐呜咽着，“过眼烟云，早就忘得干干净净了！”
“不，一切都不会忘记，”埃斯苔娜说道，“一切都不会忘记，一切都深藏在我的记忆中。你发现过我不听你的教训吗？你发现过我不留心你的教导吗？”她把手放在胸口说道，“凡是你不允许的，你发现过我心中想着它吗？所以，你待我该公正些。”
“你太骄傲了，太骄傲了！”郝维仙小姐用双手散开头上的白发，呻吟般地说着。
“谁教我学会骄傲了？”埃斯苔娜反诘道，“在我学会了骄傲时，又是谁那么连声称赞我的？”
“你太心狠了，太心狠了！”郝维仙小姐又用双手撩开头上散开的白发，呻吟般地说着。
“谁教我学会心狠的？”埃斯苔娜反诘道，“在我学会了心狠时，又是谁那么连声称赞我的？”
“可我是教你对我骄傲，对我心狠吗？”郝维仙小姐因气愤而尖叫起来，伸出两只臂膀，说，“埃斯苔娜，埃斯苔娜，埃斯苔娜啊，你连对我也骄傲、也心狠了！”
埃斯苔娜虽有一点儿诧异，然而却是很平静地看了她一会儿，并没有表现出不安的神情；看了一会儿后，她又低头看着炉火。
沉默之后，埃斯苔娜才抬起眼皮说道：“我真难以想象，分别一个阶段之后，回来看你，你竟如此不讲道理。我可从来都牢记着你曾经有的不幸遭遇，牢记着你那遭遇的原因。我一直遵照你的教导行事，决不辜负你的期望。我用你的教训管束自己，从来没有任何软弱的表现。”
“难道回报我的爱竟是软弱的表现？”郝维仙小姐大声叫道，“我懂了，我明白了，原来你把这点也叫做软弱！”
埃斯苔娜又沉默了一会儿，虽然有些诧异，内心却十分平静，若有所思地说道：“我已开始领悟为什么会产生这种情况了。你在这座宅邸的许多暗不见天日的房间中养育你的养女，不让她知道此间尚有阳光这东西，她也没有在阳光下见过你的面容；然后，你又怀着某种目的，让她经受阳光的洗礼，了解什么是阳光以及阳光下的一切。她按照你的话做了，而你自己却感到失望，感到愤怒，是不是这种情况呢？”
郝维仙小姐双手捧住自己的头，坐在那儿低低呻吟着，身子在椅子上摇摆着，但是没有回答。
埃斯苔娜说道：“也许这个例子更能说明问题——假使从你的养女开始懂事的时候起，你就尽最大的努力告诉她世上有阳光这东西，但阳光是敌人，是毁灭人性的东西，所以要她反对阳光；因为阳光摧残了你使你枯萎，所以阳光也会摧残她使她枯萎。你这么做了，以后却又为了某一个目的要她去见识阳光，而且要她很自然地接触阳光，她一下子当然还不能习惯。如果你见到这点，你会失望会生气吗？”
郝维仙小姐坐着、听着（当然只是说好像如此，因为我看不到她的脸），不过她仍然没有回答。
埃斯苔娜又说道：“所以，你把我造成什么样的人，你就该把我当成什么样的人对待。成功不属于我，失败也不属于我，但成功和失败两者一起就造就了我这样的人。”
我完全不知道郝维仙小姐怎么会已经坐到了地板上，围抱在所有褪色的婚礼服饰之中。我一直想找出一个理由离开这房间，现在总算看到了一个机会，便用手对埃斯苔娜做了一个手势，要她照看郝维仙小姐。我离开时，埃斯苔娜和刚才一样没有动，依然站在大壁炉旁边。当时郝维仙小姐的满头白发都飘散开来，拖在地板上，围抱在另一堆残缺的婚礼饰品中，看上去既狼狈又难看。
我心情郁闷沮丧，独自在星光下散步了一个多小时，走遍了院子，走遍了制酒作坊，也走遍了荒芜的花园。最后我又鼓起勇气回到了房间，看到埃斯苔娜坐在郝维仙小姐的膝边做着针线活儿，在缝补一件快要变成碎布的破旧不堪的婚礼服。此后，只要在大教堂里看到悬挂着的那些褪色破烂的锦幅之类，我便会联想到她的这件婚礼服。接下去，我和埃斯苔娜开始玩牌，像以往一样，所不同的是我们玩牌的本领提高了，而且是法国式的玩法。整个夜晚就是这样消磨掉了，然后我才上床休息。
我睡在院子那边的那所独立的房子里。这是我第一次住在沙提斯庄园里，在床上翻来覆去，就是不能成寐，好像有成千上万个郝维仙小姐在我四周纠缠。她站在枕头这边，又站在枕头那边；她站在床的这头，又站在床的另一头；在盥洗室半开着的门后站着她，盥洗室里面也站着她；楼上的房间中是她，楼下的房间中也是她—— 哪里都有她，她无所不在。漫长的黑夜慢慢地爬到了两点钟时，我觉得无论如何也睡不下去了，只能起身。于是我从床上起来，把衣服披上，走出门，穿过院子，走进一条长长的石头通道，打算绕到外院，在那儿散散步以放松一下。可是我一跨进这通道就把烛光吹熄了，因为我看到郝维仙小姐像鬼魂一般地正沿着通道走着，一面还低低地哭泣着。我远远地跟在她后面，目送她上了楼梯。她手里拿了一支没有托盘的蜡烛，可能是从她房中烛台架上取下的。在微弱的烛光下，她就像从阴间出来的孤魂。我站在楼梯下面，没有看到她开门，却闻到餐室中飘来一阵发霉的气味，听见她在里面走动的声音。她从餐室日到自己的房间，然后又从自己的房间走回餐室，而她低低的哭声从未间断过。等了片刻，我打算从黑暗中走出来，回到自己的房间去，但是却无法办到，一直等到黎明之光射了进来，我才分辨出方向。我留在黑暗中的那段时间，只要一走到楼梯下面，就能听到她的脚步声，看到烛光在高高地移动，并且听到她那无休无止的低低哭泣声。
到第二天我们离开之前，郝维仙小姐和埃斯苔娜之间再没有发生分歧，以后我再陪她回去时也没有再发生过分歧，我记得自那以后我曾四次陪她回去探望。郝维仙小姐对待埃斯苔娜的态度总的没有改变，但我觉得在她对待埃斯苔娜的老态度中略微加入了一些担心。
翻开我的生命史，要不把本特莱·德鲁莫尔写上去是不可能的，否则我是不会愿意提到他的。
一次林中鸟类协会聚会时，像往常一样，说是要促进相互之间的情谊，而且为此正争争吵吵互不相让，弄得不亦乐乎时，林鸟协会的主持人便宣布停止争吵开始开会，先由德鲁莫尔先生为一位小姐祝酒。根据这个协会的严肃章程，这次轮到了这个野兽来主持此项仪式。我觉得我看到他在顺序传下酒瓶时对我恶毒地瞪了一眼，因为我和他早就失和而没有来往了，所以这一瞪眼我也就没有在意。可是他却要大家陪他喝一杯酒，共祝“埃斯苔娜”，这给我的一击使我既恼怒又吃惊。
“不用你管。”德鲁莫尔嘲讽地说道。
“住在哪里的埃斯苔娜？”我说道，“你得告诉我她住的地方。”因为作为林鸟协会的成员是有些权利提问的。
“先生们，这位是雷溪梦的埃斯苔娜，”德鲁莫尔说道，并不理睬我，“这是位绝世无双的美人。”
我低声地对赫伯特说，这个卑鄙肮脏的东西，他哪里懂得什么是绝世无双的美人。
祝酒之后，坐在他桌子对面的赫伯特说：“我认识这位小姐。”
“你认识她吗？”德鲁莫尔问道。
“我也认识。”我脸上泛出愤怒的红色，说道。
“你认识？”德鲁莫尔说道，“哦，天啦！”
这就是他唯一的反驳（否则那就是摔酒杯丢盆子了，因为他的本领就是这点），但是，仅仅这一点就已经把我气得发疯，仿佛其中带着刺一样。于是我立刻从我的座位上站了起来，对大家说，我不得不关心这一只可尊敬的鸟竟然轻率地飞人林中（我们总是把加入协会说成飞人林中，真像议会里的用辞一样，那么干净利落，简洁明了），居然为一位他从来不认识的小姐祝酒干杯。听了我的话德鲁莫尔先生忽地站了起来，要我说说究竟是什么意思。于是我便作了一个极端的回答，想决斗，我不会示弱。
在一个基督教的国度里，在如此情况下，是否可以运用不流血的方法解决问题，是一个值得争论的题目，鸟儿们有几种不同的意见。大家辩论得生动活泼，至少有六位可尊敬的协会成员对另外六个成员当场表示，如果他们想决斗，他们不会示弱，一定奉陪。不过，最后协会作出决定，为了维护协会的荣誉，只要德鲁莫尔先生拿出一点儿证据，表示他确实荣幸地认识这位小姐，那么皮普先生，作为一名绅士和会员，就必须向对方道歉，并表示重归于好。当时还指定第二天就得交示证据，以免时间拖延而使事态冷下去。第二天，德鲁莫尔果然带来一张由埃斯苔娜亲笔写的条子，在条子上她十分客气地说明她很荣幸和他跳过几次舞。这一来，我却哑口无言了，只有向他道歉，并表示重归于好，又说我原来的想法已证明是站不住脚的。然后，德鲁莫尔和我坐在那里，哼着鼻子相互对峙了一个小时，林中鸟类俱乐部的成员也胡乱地争论了好久，最后还是从大局出发，宣布这次大家的友情得到了促进，友谊以惊人的速度进展着。
我现在谈到这事是轻描淡写的，可是当时对我说来却决不是如此轻描淡写的。因为我一想到埃斯苔娜竟然对这么一个下贱的、笨拙的、阴沉的蠢才，一个连一般人都比不上的家伙产生好感，内心的痛苦简直不可言表。事到如今，我依然认为，正因为我对于埃斯苔娜的爱是非常纯洁、豁达和毫无私心的，所以一想到她竟然屈就于这条狼狗，我便无法容忍。尽管无论她垂青于何人对我都是沉痛的不幸，但如果她爱的是一位高尚的人，也许会使我在不幸和痛苦的程度上有所不同。
我要把这件事情查清楚并不难，果然很快便弄明白了。其实德鲁莫尔早就紧紧地追求她了，而她也让他追求。没有多久，他更是追着她不放，以致我们两人每天都会相遇。他死心眼儿地坚持着紧追不舍，埃斯苔娜正好也就掌握住他，忽而对他百倍鼓舞，忽而又使他全然失望；忽而当面奉承他几句，忽而又在大庭广众下奚落他；忽而对他很了解，忽而又忘记了他究竟是谁。
贾格斯先生把他称做蜘蛛，看来他真是个蜘蛛，总是偷偷地躲在一处等着，耐心地看准机会捕捉对象。他这个蠢家伙总是相信他的金钱和他家庭的荣誉，固然，有时候这两样东西能够起重要作用，能够代替专一的情感和先决的目的。所以，这只蜘蛛总是在顽强地守住埃斯苔娜，比许多别的光彩夺目的昆虫守得更久。他在那儿吐丝张网，等待时机捕捉对方。
在一次雷溪梦的舞会上（当时在许多地方都时兴开舞会），群芳争艳之中，埃斯苔娜独占鳌头。这个莽撞的德鲁莫尔总是尾随在她左右，而埃斯苔娜却容忍他，这我可受不住了，所以决定找一个机会和她谈一下。我抓住时机，见她正坐在群花之中等待着白朗德莉夫人来带她回家，便走过去，因为几乎总是我陪伴她们出人于这些场合的。
“可不是，很累，皮普。”
“你也应该疲倦了。”
“说真的，现在还不该累呢，睡觉之前我还得给沙提斯庄园写信。”
“你讲的是什么话？我真不懂战果平常是指什么。”
“埃斯苔娜，”我说道，“你看那个站在墙角边的家伙，他正在朝我们望呢。”
“我为什么要看他？”埃斯苔娜反问道，并没有去看他，反而望着我，“你说的那个站在墙角边的家伙为什么我必须看呢？”
“这就是我要问你的话，”我说道，“因为他整个晚上都泡在你旁边。”
埃斯苔娜瞥了他一眼答道：“不过是些灯蛾和丑陋的小虫子，在蜡烛光旁边飞来飞去。蜡烛有什么办法呢？”
“有，”我答道，“蜡烛没有办法，埃斯苔娜难道也没有办法吗？”
“那么！”她停了一会儿才笑道，“也许有办法。随你说吧。”
“可是，埃斯苔娜，你得听我一句话。你和这个最让人瞧不起的德鲁莫尔在一起真使我难过。你知道他是被人们瞧不起的。”
“还有呢？”她问道。
“你看他的内心和外表一样都是奇丑不堪。这简直是一个有缺陷。坏脾气、阴沉沉的笨拙家伙。”
“还有呢？”她问道。
“你看他除了钱和一本可笑的糊涂祖宗家谱可以炫耀自己外，其他一无所有。你知道这点吗？”
“还有呢？”埃斯苔娜又问道。她每问一次，那对可爱的眼睛便睁大一点。
她总是用“还有呢”这三个字回答，我为了要她掏出心里话，便接过她说的话，用强调的语气重复说：“还有呢！也正是这些才使我内心难受。”
如果我认为她垂青于德鲁莫尔是有意用这点来使我——使我难受，那我对此倒也该心安理得地感到些宽慰。问题是她还和过去一样，对我完全置之不理，所以我对此就不能抱有幻想。
“皮普，”埃斯苔娜说道，眼光在屋内搜寻了一遍，“不要傻里傻气地认为这会影响到你。这也许会影响到别人，但那也是没办法可想的。这不值得讨论。”
“我看很值得讨论，”我答道，“因为有一天人们会闲言闲语，‘埃斯苔娜竟然用她的美丽容颜和无限魅力去垂青一个乡巴佬，一个阴沉沉的家伙’。那我如何受得了呢？”
“你责备我骄傲，责备我刚愎自用！”埃斯苔娜把手一摊，说道，“可刚才你还责备我说我俯就一个乡下人！”
“你确实是这样，”我急冲冲地说道，“因为就在今天晚上我看到你对他使眼色，对他陪笑脸，可是你从来没有如此对待过——我。”
埃斯苔娜突然把目光转向我，如果不是愤怒的目光，那也是严肃的目光，紧紧地盯住我，说道：“难道你要我欺骗你，要我引诱你陷入罗网？”
“当然，而且引诱许多人陷入罗网，引诱除你之外的所有男人。白朗德莉夫人来了，就说到这里为止吧。”
现在我已经用整整一章来叙述了那充满于我心中的主题，曾经使我一次又一次地痛苦的主题。至此，我便可以毫无阻碍地叙述另一件事，那是很久很久以前就已经徘徊于我眼前的事。这件事远在我知道世界上还有一个埃斯苔娜之前，远在埃斯苔娜那婴儿时的智慧受到郝维仙小姐的糟蹋之前，就已经在我心中刻下了深深的阴影。
有一则东方的故事，说是为了用一块沉重的石板在胜利的时候砸碎敌国的宝座，人们在采石矿中慢慢地凿出这块石板，再慢慢地从岩石丛中凿出一道穿绳索的坑道，用绳索扣住石板，然后慢慢地把石板升起来，吊在皇宫宝座的屋顶上，吊住石板的绳索的另一头扣在数英里外的一个大铁环上。一切艰巨的工作都已准备就绪，在一个寂静的黑夜，苏丹王被唤醒，一柄用来割断绳索的利斧交在他的手中。苏丹王挥手一砍，绳索立断，石板直坠而下，砸碎了敌国的宝座。我的情况和此故事一样，一切远远近近该叙述的事情都已接近尾声，准备就绪，只需用利斧一砍，我的坚固堡垒必然坍下压在我身上。
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