Part 1 Chapter 43
NEKHLUDOFF VISITS MASLOVA.
Maslova looked round, and with head thrown back and expanded chest, came up to the net with that expression of readiness which he well knew, pushed in between two prisoners, and gazed at Nekhludoff with a surprised and questioning look. But, concluding from his clothing he was a rich man, she smiled.
"Is it me you want?" she asked, bringing her smiling face, with the slightly squinting eyes, nearer the net.
"I, I--I wished to see--" Nekhludoff did not know how to address her. "I wished to see you--I--" He was not speaking louder than usual.
"No; nonsense, I tell you!" shouted the tramp who stood next to him. "Have you taken it or not?"
"Dying, I tell you; what more do you want?" some one else was screaming at his other side. Maslova could not hear what Nekhludoff was saying, but the expression of his face as he was speaking reminded her of him. She did not believe her own eyes; still the smile vanished from her face and a deep line of suffering appeared on her brow.
"I cannot hear what you are saying," she called out, wrinkling her brow and frowning more and more.
"I have come," said Nekhludoff. "Yes, I am doing my duty--I am confessing," thought Nekhludoff; and at this thought the tears came in his eyes, and he felt a choking sensation in his throat, and holding on with both hands to the net, he made efforts to keep from bursting into tears.
"I say, why do you shove yourself in where you're not wanted?" some one shouted at one side of him.
"God is my witness; I know nothing," screamed a prisoner from the other side.
Noticing his excitement, Maslova recognised him.
"You're like . . . but no; I don't know you," she shouted, without looking at him, and blushing, while her face grew still more stern.
"I have come to ask you to forgive me," he said, in a loud but monotonous voice, like a lesson learnt by heart. Having said these words he became confused; but immediately came the thought that, if he felt ashamed, it was all the better; he had to bear this shame, and he continued in a loud voice:
"Forgive me; I have wronged you terribly."
She stood motionless and without taking her squinting eyes off him.
He could not continue to speak, and stepping away from the net he tried to suppress the sobs that were choking him.
The inspector, the same officer who had directed Nekhludoff to the women's ward, and whose interest he seemed to have aroused, came into the room, and, seeing Nekhludoff not at the net, asked him why he was not talking to her whom he wanted to see. Nekhludoff blew his nose, gave himself a shake, and, trying to appear calm, said:
"It's so inconvenient through these nets; nothing can be heard."
Again the inspector considered for a moment.
"Ah, well, she can be brought out here for awhile. Mary Karlovna," turning to the warder, "lead Maslova out."
A minute later Maslova came out of the side door. Stepping softly, she came up close to Nekhludoff, stopped, and looked up at him from under her brows. Her black hair was arranged in ringlets over her forehead in the same way as it had been two days ago; her face, though unhealthy and puffy, was attractive, and looked perfectly calm, only the glittering black eyes glanced strangely from under the swollen lids.
"You may talk here," said the inspector, and shrugging his shoulders he stepped aside with a look of surprise. Nekhludoff moved towards a seat by the wall.
Maslova cast a questioning look at the inspector, and then, shrugging her shoulders in surprise, followed Nekhludoff to the bench, and having arranged her skirt, sat down beside him.
"I know it is hard for you to forgive me," he began, but stopped. His tears were choking him. "But though I can't undo the past, I shall now do what is in my power. Tell me--"
"How have you managed to find me?" she said, without answering his question, neither looking away from him nor quite at him, with her squinting eyes.
"O God, help me! Teach me what to do," Nekhludoff thought, looking at her changed face. "I was on the jury the day before yesterday," he said. "You did not recognise me?"
"No, I did not; there was not time for recognitions. I did not even look," she said.
"There was a child, was there not?" he asked.
"Thank God! he died at once," she answered, abruptly and viciously.
"What do you mean? Why?"
"I was so ill myself, I nearly died," she said, in the same quiet voice, which Nekhludoff had not expected and could not understand.
"How could my aunts have let you go?"
"Who keeps a servant that has a baby? They sent me off as soon as they noticed. But why speak of this? I remember nothing. That's all finished."
"No, it is not finished; I wish to redeem my sin."
"There's nothing to redeem. What's been has been and is passed," she said; and, what he never expected, she looked at him and smiled in an unpleasantly luring, yet piteous, manner.
Maslova never expected to see him again, and certainly not here and not now; therefore, when she first recognised him, she could not keep back the memories which she never wished to revive. In the first moment she remembered dimly that new, wonderful world of feeling and of thought which had been opened to her by the charming young man who loved her and whom she loved, and then his incomprehensible cruelty and the whole string of humiliations and suffering which flowed from and followed that magic joy. This gave her pain, and, unable to understand it, she did what she was always in the habit of doing, she got rid of these memories by enveloping them in the mist of a depraved life. In the first moment, she associated the man now sitting beside her with the lad she had loved; but feeling that this gave her pain, she dissociated them again. Now, this well-dressed, carefully-got-up gentleman with perfumed beard was no longer the Nekhludoff whom she had loved but only one of the people who made use of creatures like herself when they needed them, and whom creatures like herself had to make use of in their turn as profitably as they could; and that is why she looked at him with a luring smile and considered silently how she could best make use of him.
"That's all at an end," she said. "Now I'm condemned to Siberia," and her lip trembled as she was saying this dreadful word.
"I knew; I was certain you were not guilty," said Nekhludoff.
"Guilty! of course not; as if I could be a thief or a robber." She stopped, considering in what way she could best get something out of him.
"They say here that all depends on the advocate," she began. "A petition should be handed in, only they say it's expensive."
"Yes, most certainly," said Nekhludoff. "I have already spoken to an advocate."
"No money ought to be spared; it should be a good one," she said.
"I shall do all that is possible."
They were silent, and then she smiled again in the same way.
"And I should like to ask you . . . a little money if you can . . . not much; ten roubles, I do not want more," she said, suddenly.
"Yes, yes," Nekhludoff said, with a sense of confusion, and felt for his purse.
She looked rapidly at the inspector, who was walking up and down the room. "Don't give it in front of him; he'd take it away."
Nekhludoff took out his purse as soon as the inspector had turned his back; but had no time to hand her the note before the inspector faced them again, so he crushed it up in his hand.
"This woman is dead," Nekhludoff thought, looking at this once sweet, and now defiled, puffy face, lit up by an evil glitter in the black, squinting eyes which were now glancing at the hand in which he held the note, then following the inspector's movements, and for a moment he hesitated. The tempter that had been speaking to him in the night again raised its voice, trying to lead him out of the realm of his inner into the realm of his outer life, away from the question of what he should do to the question of what the consequences would be, and what would he practical.
"You can do nothing with this woman," said the voice; "you will only tie a stone round your neck, which will help to drown you and hinder you from being useful to others.
"Is it not better to give her all the money that is here, say good-bye, and finish with her forever?" whispered the voice.
But here he felt that now, at this very moment, something most important was taking place in his soul--that his inner life was, as it were, wavering in the balance, so that the slightest effort would make it sink to this side or the other. And he made this effort by calling to his assistance that God whom he had felt in his soul the day before, and that God instantly responded. He resolved to tell her everything now--at once.
"Katusha, I have come to ask you to forgive me, and you have given me no answer. Have you forgiven me? Will you ever forgive me?" he asked.
She did not listen to him, but looked at his hand and at the inspector, and when the latter turned she hastily stretched out her hand, grasped the note, and hid it under her belt.
"That's odd, what you are saying there," she said, with a smile of contempt, as it seemed to him.
Nekhludoff felt that there was in her soul one who was his enemy and who was protecting her, such as she was now, and preventing him from getting at her heart. But, strange to say, this did not repel him, but drew him nearer to her by some fresh, peculiar power. He knew that he must waken her soul, that this was terribly difficult, but the very difficulty attracted him. He now felt towards her as he had never felt towards her or any one else before. There was nothing personal in this feeling: he wanted nothing from her for himself, but only wished that she might not remain as she now was, that she might awaken and become again what she had been.
"Katusha, why do you speak like that? I know you; I remember you--and the old days in Papovo."
"What's the use of recalling what's past?" she remarked, drily.
"I am recalling it in order to put it right, to atone for my sin, Katusha," and he was going to say that he would marry her, but, meeting her eyes, he read in them something so dreadful, so coarse, so repellent, that he could not go on.
At this moment the visitors began to go. The inspector came up to Nekhludoff and said that the time was up.
"Good-bye; I have still much to say to you, but you see it is impossible to do so now," said Nekhludoff, and held out his hand. "I shall come again."
"I think you have said all."
She took his hand but did not press it.
"No; I shall try to see you again, somewhere where we can talk, and then I shall tell you what I have to say-something very important."
"Well, then, come; why not?" she answered, and smiled with that habitual, inviting, and promising smile which she gave to the men whom she wished to please.
"You are more than a sister to me," said Nekhludoff.
"That's odd," she said again, and went behind the grating.
玛丝洛娃转过身，抬起头，挺一起胸部，带着聂赫留朵夫所熟悉的一温一顺表情，走到铁栅栏跟前，从两个女犯中间挤过来，惊讶地盯着聂赫留朵夫，却没有认出他来。
不过，她从衣衫上看出他是个有钱人，就嫣然一笑。
“您找我吗？”她问，把她那张眼睛斜睨的笑盈盈的脸凑近铁栅栏。
“我想见见……”聂赫留朵夫不知道该用“您”还是“你”，但随即决定用“您”。他说话的声音并不比平时高。
“我想见见您……我……”
“你别跟我罗唆了，”他旁边那个衣衫褴褛的男人叫道。
“你到底拿过没有？”
“对你说，人都快死了，你还要什么？”对面有一个人嚷道。
玛丝洛娃听不清聂赫留朵夫在说些什么，但他说话时脸上的那副神情使她突然想起了他。但她不相信自己的眼睛。不过，她的笑容消失了，眉头痛苦地皱起来。
“您说什么，我听不见，”她叫起来，眯细眼睛，眉头皱得更紧了。
“我来是……”
“对，我在做我该做的事，我在认罪，”聂赫留朵夫想。他一想到这里，眼泪就夺眶而出，喉咙也哽住了。他用手指抓住铁栅栏，说不下去，竭力控制住感情，免得哭出声来。
“对你说：你去管闲事干什么……”这边有人喝道。
“老天爷在上，我连知道也不知道，”那边有个女犯大声说。
“您好象是……但我不敢认，”玛丝洛娃眼睛不看他，叫道。她那涨红的脸突然变得一陰一沉了。
“我来是要请求你饶恕，”聂赫留朵夫大声说，但音调平得象背书一样。
他大声说出这句话，感到害臊，往四下里张望了一下。但他立刻想到，要是他觉得羞耻，那倒是好事，因为他是可耻的。于是他高声说下去：
“请你饶恕我，我在你面前是有罪的……”他又叫道。
她一动不动地站着，斜睨的目光盯住他不放。
他再也说不下去，就离开铁栅栏，竭力忍住翻腾着的泪水，不让自己哭出声来。
把聂赫留朵夫领到女监来的副典狱长，显然对他发生了兴趣，这时走了过来。他看见聂赫留朵夫不在铁栅栏旁边，就问他为什么不同他要探望的女犯谈话。聂赫留朵夫擤了擤鼻涕，提起一精一神，竭力让自己平静下来，回答说：
“隔着铁栅栏没法说话，什么也听不见。”
副典狱长沉思了一下。
“嗯，好吧，把她带到这儿来一下也行。”
“马丽雅·卡尔洛夫娜！”他转身对女看守说。“把玛丝洛娃带到外边来。”
过了一分钟，玛丝洛娃从边门走出来。她步履轻一盈地走到聂赫留朵夫跟前站住，皱着眉头看了他一眼。乌黑的鬈发也象前天那样一圈圈飘在额上；苍白而微肿的脸有点病态，但很可一爱一，而且十分镇定；她那双乌黑发亮的斜睨眼睛在浮肿的眼皮下显得特别有神。
“可以在这里谈话，”副典狱长说完就走开了。
玛丝洛娃困惑地瞧了瞧副典狱长，然后仿佛感到惊讶，耸耸肩膀，跟着聂赫留朵夫走到长凳那儿，理了理裙子，在他旁边坐下。
“我知道要您饶恕我很困难，”聂赫留朵夫开口说，但又停住，觉得喉咙哽住了，“过去的事既已无法挽回，那么现在我愿尽最大的努力去做。您说说……”
“您是怎么找到我的？”她不理他的话，径自问。她那双斜睨的眼睛又象在瞧他，又象不在瞧他。
“上帝呀！你帮助我，教教我该怎么办！”聂赫留朵夫望着她那张变丑的脸，暗自说。
“前天您受审的时候，我在做陪审员。”他说。“您没有认出我来吧？”
“没有，没有认出来。我没有工夫认人。当时我根本没有看，”玛丝洛娃说。
“赞美上帝，他当时就死了，”她气愤地简单回答，转过眼睛不去看他。
“真的吗？是怎么死的？”
“我当时自己病了，差一点也死掉，”玛丝洛娃说，没有抬起眼睛来。
“姑一妈一她们怎么会放您走的？”
“谁还会把一个怀孩子的女佣人留在家里呢？她们一发现这事，就把我赶出来了。说这些干什么呀！我什么都不记得，全都忘了。那事早完了。”
“不，没有完。我不能丢下不管。哪怕到今天我也要赎我的罪。”
“没有什么罪可赎的。过去的事都过去了，全完了，”玛丝洛娃说。接着，完全出乎他的意料，她忽然瞟了他一眼，又嫌恶又妖媚又可怜地微微一笑。
玛丝洛娃怎么也没想到会看见他，特别是在此时此地，因此最初一刹那，他的出现使她震惊，使她回想起她从不回想的往事。最初一刹那，她模模糊糊地想起那个充满感情和理想的新奇天地，这是那个热一爱一她并为她所热一爱一的迷人青年给她打开的。然后她想到了他那难以理解的残酷，想到了接二连三的屈辱和苦难，这都是紧接着那些醉人的幸福降临和由此而产生的。她感到痛苦，但她无法理解这事。她就照例把这些往事从头脑里驱除，竭力用堕一落生活的特种迷雾把它遮住。此刻她就是这样做的。最初一刹那，她把坐在她面前的这个人同她一度一爱一过的那个青年联系起来，但接着觉得太痛苦了，就不再这样做。现在这个衣冠楚楚、脸色红一润、一胡一子上洒过香水的老爷，对她来说，已不是她所一爱一过的那个聂赫留朵夫，而是一个截然不同的人。那种人在需要的时候可以玩一弄象她这样的女人，而象她这样的女人也总是要尽量从他们身上多弄到些好处。就因为这个缘故，她向他妖媚地笑了笑。她沉默了一会儿，考虑着怎样利用他弄到些好处。
“那事早就完了，”她说。“如今我被判决，要去服苦役了。”
她说出这句悲痛的话，嘴唇都哆嗦了。
“我当然没有罪。我又不是小偷，又不是强盗。这儿大家都说，一切全在于律师，”她继续说。“大家都说应该上诉，可是得花很多钱……”
“别舍不得花钱，得请一个好律师，”她说。
“我一定尽力去办。”
接着是一阵沉默。
她又象刚才那样微微一笑。
“我想请求您……给些钱，要是您答应的话。不多……只要十个卢布就行，”她突然说。
她急促地瞅了一眼正在屋里踱步的副典狱长。
“当着他的面别给，等他走开了再给，要不然会被他拿走的。”
等副典狱长一转过身去，聂赫留朵夫就掏出皮夹子，但他还没来得及把十卢布钞票递给她，副典狱长又转过身来，脸对着他们。他把钞票一团一在手心里。
“这个女人已经丧失生命了，”他心里想，同时望着这张原来亲切可一爱一、如今饱经风霜的浮肿的脸，以及那双妖媚的乌黑发亮的斜睨眼睛——这双眼睛紧盯着副典狱长和聂赫留朵夫那只紧捏着钞票的手。他的内心刹那间发生了动摇。
昨晚迷惑过聂赫留朵夫的魔鬼，此刻又在他心里说话，又竭力阻止他思考该怎样行动，却让他去考虑他的行动会有什么后果，怎样才能对他有利。
“这个女人已经无可救药了，”魔鬼说，“你只会把石头吊在自己脖子上，活活淹死，再也不能做什么对别人有益的事了。给她一些钱，把你身边所有的钱全给她，同她分手，从此一刀两断，岂不更好？”他心里这样想。
不过，他同时又感到，他的心灵里此刻正要完成一种极其重大的变化，他的一精一神世界这会儿仿佛搁在不稳定的天平上，只要稍稍加一点力气，就会向这边或者那边倾斜。他花了一点力气，向昨天感到存在于心灵里的上帝呼救，果然上帝立刻响应他。他决定此刻把所有的话全向她说出来。
“卡秋莎！我来是要请求你的饶恕，可是你没有回答我，你是不是饶恕我，或者，什么时候能饶恕我，”他说，忽然对玛丝洛娃改称“你”了。
她没有听他说话，却一会儿瞧瞧他那只手，一会儿瞧瞧副典狱长。等副典狱长一转身，她连忙把手伸过去，抓住钞票，把它塞在腰带里。
“您的话真怪，”她鄙夷不屑地——他有这样的感觉——
微笑着说。
聂赫留朵夫觉得她身上有一样东西，同他水火不相容，使她永远保持现在这种样子，并且不让他闯进她的内心世界。
不过，说也奇怪，这种情况不仅没有使他疏远她，反而产生一种特殊的新的力量，使他去同她接近。聂赫留朵夫觉得他应该在一精一神上唤醒她，这虽然极其困难，但正因为困难就格外吸引他。他现在对她的这种感情，是以前所不曾有过的，对任何人都不曾有过，其中不带丝毫私心。他对她毫无所求，只希望她不要象现在这样，希望她能觉醒，能恢复她的本一性一。
“卡秋莎，你为什么说这样的话？你要明白，我是了解你的，我记得当时你在巴诺伏的样子……”
“何必提那些旧事，”她冷冷地说。
“我记起这些事是为了要改正错误，赎我的罪，卡秋莎，”聂赫留朵夫开了头，本来还想说他要同她结婚，但接触到她的目光，发觉其中有一种粗野可怕、拒人于千里之外的神色，他不敢开口了。
这时候，探监的人纷纷出去。副典狱长走到聂赫留朵夫跟前，说探望的时间结束了。玛丝洛娃站起来，顺从地等待人家把她带回牢房。
“再见，我还有许多话要对您说，可是，您看，现在没时间了，”聂赫留朵夫说着伸出一只手。“我还要来的。”
“话好象都已说了……”
她伸出一只手，但是没有同他握。
“不，我要设法找个可以说话的地方再同您见面，我还有些非常重要的话要对您说，”聂赫留朵夫说。
“好的，那您就来吧，”她说，做出一种要讨男人喜欢的媚一笑。
“真怪！”她又说了一遍，接着摇摇头，向铁栅栏那边走去。
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